I’m being tortured. It’s been happening for about a year now. Every morning. The torture has got more hardcore as the months have passed.

I’m being tortured by a toddler.

This toddler.

Looks innocent enough right?

Most of the time he is, bar the normal toddler mischief and brother bashing.

Between the hours of 5 am and 7 am though, he transforms into this utter lunatic. I kid you not. He ends up in our bed every night at some point, sometimes it’s 1 am, sometimes about 3 am ish, occasionally it’s about 4.45 am, but 5 am is often when he wakes up.

Now because I’ve been working and doing the normal stuff around the house until late, sometimes 1 am, 5 am makes my brain and eyeballs ache. I normally feel as if I have been hit by a large truck when he wakes me up. That’s my normal.

So at 5 am he will cuddle into me, probably slide his hand down my top, then stroke my face and kiss me. For 30 seconds he is warm and loving and snugly. Then the abuse begins.

• hair pulling
• pinching
• scratching
• standing up and just falling on me
• sitting on my head
• standing on my head
• bouncing on my tummy
• biting my nose

All of the above is done with this wicked cackle that he has, and then he will spontaneously descend into fits of giggles.

Abusing mummy is clearly hysterical.

As soon as I get up and I’m getting him dressed he is all loving again, cuddling me, patting me on the back and kissing me – complete with the “What? Who me?” look on his face.

He’s such a little character in the daytime. He has a super vocabulary for 22 months and he really understands jokes to the point that he will actually do or say something and then giggle and tell us “just joking”. He’s also a really loving little boy and super company…

Just not between the hours of 5 am and 7 am!

Anyone else being subjected to similar morning torture?