It’s a daily struggle for many mums—being the default parent. The one who takes on the responsibility for the school run, packed lunches, endless laundry, and the logistics of running a household. Despite managing this constant mental load, there’s often a silent expectation that mums will keep absorbing more. Boys’ holidays, golf weekends, and other commitments from partners appear on the calendar with little discussion. The strain of being the default parent is not just physically exhausting; it’s an emotional burden that often goes unnoticed and unappreciated.
The Reality of Being the ‘Default’ Parent
Mums who are the default parent know exactly when the school trip payment is due, which after-school club is happening next, and what clothes are needed on non-uniform days. The mental list is never-ending. As the default parent, you’re the one whose mind is constantly buzzing with tasks, often without much support. There’s an unspoken assumption that mums will handle it all—seamlessly balancing work, parenting, and everything in between.
When your partner suddenly announces a boys’ weekend or golf day, it’s more than just an event on the calendar. The extra childcare responsibilities automatically fall on you, and there’s rarely any consideration for how this additional load impacts your already stretched schedule. It feels unfair when your plans—if you had any—are treated as secondary or irrelevant. Many mums silently accept this imbalance, not wanting to cause tension or appear unreasonable.
Not Seeking Permission—Seeking Partnership
It’s not about asking your partner to seek permission. No mum wants to feel like they’re being controlling or restrictive. The frustration comes from the lack of communication and consideration. You’re supposed to be a team, sharing both responsibilities and decisions. When events like a golf weekend or spontaneous night out just appear on the calendar, it feels like your time, commitments, and mental load don’t matter.
The issue lies in the absence of dialogue. A relationship thrives on mutual respect, where both partners consider how their plans affect each other and the family. It’s not about needing permission—it’s about being in sync and sharing the burden fairly.
The Invisible Load Mums Carry
Much of the mental load mums carry is invisible, but it’s there in the background, 24/7. From keeping track of swimming kits and school appointments to ensuring homework is done and meals are prepared, mums are constantly balancing countless tasks. When extra commitments get added without notice, that load becomes even heavier. Mums are expected to adapt their schedule, work, and personal time without any support.
This invisible load builds up and can lead to frustration. The expectation that you’ll ‘sort it out’ adds to the mental strain and makes the burden feel even more isolating. It’s not just about managing the day-to-day chaos, but also about juggling the unexpected and unplanned.
Why Communication and Consideration Matter
One of the biggest frustrations mums face is the lack of communication when these extra commitments are added to the calendar. Partners often assume that their plans will be absorbed without thinking about the ripple effect it creates. Mums don’t begrudge their partners a fun weekend with friends, but when it comes at the cost of their own well-being, it feels deeply unfair.
Resentment can slowly build when one person in a partnership is expected to sacrifice their time, while the other enjoys leisure without thinking of the impact. The solution lies in communication. Before making commitments like holidays or nights out, it’s important to talk about how it will affect the family schedule and how both partners can share the load.
The Emotional Toll of Being Taken for Granted
The emotional strain of being the default parent can be overwhelming. Mums are often expected to give up their personal time, hobbies, and mental space, while their partner’s plans take priority. It’s not the occasional night out or weekend away that’s the issue—it’s the underlying assumption that mums will always pick up the slack.
Feeling taken for granted in a relationship can be incredibly draining. Mums aren’t just parents—they are individuals with their own needs and the right to rest. The pressure to always manage everything can feel suffocating, especially when there’s no recognition of the emotional and physical toll it takes.
The Need for Balance in the Partnership
To resolve this imbalance, communication is key. Partners need to understand the weight of the default parent role and work towards sharing that responsibility. Before any commitments are made, a conversation should take place. How will this affect the family? How can the load be shared before and after? These discussions ensure that mums aren’t left to manage everything while their partner enjoys time away.
Mums deserve the same level of respect, consideration, and opportunities for downtime. The role of the default parent should never be assumed. It’s time to challenge the outdated notion that mums can and should manage it all. A true partnership means supporting one another, communicating openly, and sharing the load – that doesn’t mean it’s 50/50 all the time but it shouldn’t be 99/1!
Conclusion
Being the default parent is an exhausting and often invisible role. Mums carry an immense mental load, and when partners add commitments without any discussion, it only increases that burden. It’s time to acknowledge the emotional and physical toll that this imbalance creates. Communication and consideration are essential in any partnership. Let’s start valuing the work mums do, not just on the surface, but beneath it too. Together, we can create a fairer and more balanced approach to parenting and household responsibilities.
